HOT: Altermodern, Tate Britain, Millbank London SW1P 4RG

Brek had told me to give Altermodern a miss - I think boring was the term used for the Tate's triennial exhibition of modern British art. While admittedly some of the works weren't new or interesting, in general I have to disagree. I don't know what made the art particularly British (as opposed to American, or Western European) but I really liked some of the more conceptual works in the exhibition:

• Walead Beshty Fedex Large Kraft Boxes. Mel was incredulous 'You mean the one with all smashed glass boxes???'. Maybe because I was in the midst of packing hell myself, but the identical glass boxes, damaged and chipped as they were sent by Fedex from country to country, aptly reflected the anxiety and general state of fragility I was experiencing through uprooting my life and moving countries (again).
• Loris Greaud Tremors Where Forever. The brainwaves of intense thought transformed into physical vibrations eminating from a dangled octopus of white wires. Wow.
• Simon Starling Three White Desks. The physical embodiment of Chinese Whispers. A Berlin cabinet maker was given a photograph of a desk and asked to rebuild it. A Sydney cabinet maker was given a photograph of the Berlin desk and asked to rebuild it. Finally, a London cabinet maker was given a photograph of the Sydney desk and asked to rebuild it. Again, maybe it was because I was also in a state of transition in my life, but the outwardly similar, but on closer inspection, slightly different, white desks spoke to me about the issues of immigration, other-ness and assimilation.
• Subodh Gupta Line of Control. I had originally thought that this enormous sculpture was of a metal tree, but in fact it was pots and pans and other metal household objects forming a giant mushroom cloud. The exhibition guide said that it represented 'a world constantly being lost or destroyed, only to emerge anew, reconfigured and reconstructed from its own debris'. My interpretation was more prosaic - a sculpture warning of the everyday, ordinary-life impact of a nuclear bomb.

HOT: Van Dyck and Britain, Tate Britain, Millbank SW1P 4RG

The paintings in the Van Dyck and Britain exhibition were really beautiful and a definite contrast to the stiff linear portraits of his predecessors. His fluid and loose brushwork seemed to have the ability to bring out the luminosity of skin, and bring life to his sitters' eyes, even after all these centuries. Look out particularly for his self-portrait and the portrait of Thomas Arundel in Room 1. However, be warned that it does get a bit repetitive after eight rooms of Lord this and Lady that.

NOT: Le Corbusier - The Art of Architecture, Barbican Art Gallery, Silk Street EC2Y 8DS

In a week I will be staying in the famous Unite d'Habitation, so I was really eager to learn as much as I could about its influential architect, Le Corbusier. However, I think the Barbican's exhibition, Le Corbusier — The Art of Architecture, would gain a lot from a guided tour by a human. While I have an interest in architecture, I don't have enough of an interest to wade through an interminable number of miniature black and white photographs of buildings and architectural plans. Some of the models were interesting, some of the furniture was interesting, but nothing was interesting enough to hold my interest for every long. I hope seeing his building for real in Marseillle will be a better experience.

HOT: Greater London...Richard Bryant's Photographic Celebration of a City, Terrace Rooms, Somerset House, Strand WC2R 1LA

Richard Bryant's photography exhibition takes the viewer on a journey across London, from west to east. I really enjoyed his work - he has an eye for the softening romance of fog, has manage to pick out interesting shapes and perspectives from many well-known and oft-photographed landmarks, and really captured for me the beauty and excitement of this city of my heart. Look out for his heavy tome on my coffee table.

HOT: Courtauld Gallery, Somerset House, Strand WC2R 1LA

The Courtauld Gallery has been on my to-do list for a while, so I took the opportunity to don some disguise and explore it on an admission-free Monday. On the ground floor there were some dimly lit religious Renaissance works and the top floor contained some brilliantly dynamic Kandinsky and forgettable watercolours. So the main attraction (for me) were the light-filled Impressionist and Post-Impressionist galleries. I loved the colourful movement juxtaposed with a sad serenity in Manet's last great painting "Bar at the Folies-Bergère"; the interesting diagonal composition of the diaphanous ballerinas in Degas' "Two dancers on a stage", and most of all, the shimmering vibrancy of Monet's "Autumn effect at Argenteuil", perfectly displayed against a sunlit window.

HOT: Wellcome Collection, 183 Euston Road, London, NW1 2BE

The Wellcome Collection is not one of London's blockbuster museums, like the National Gallery or Tate Modern, but it is unexpectedly interesting - and free. I arrived just in time for the 2:30pm tour, which is worthwhile taking because without any commentary you'll just find yourself staring at glass cases of amputation saws and obsterics forceps.

Sir Henry Solomon Wellcome was the founder of the pharmaceutical company that was the precursor to the megalith GlaxoSmithKline. He was also an obsessive collector, amassing around 24,000 medical related artefacts, ranging from Japanese sexual toys, Napolean's toothbrush, torture chairs and terracotta totems of hair (apparently used as an attempt to cure baldness). A part of his collection is on display permanently as 'Medicine Man'. The other permanent display is Medicine Now, which explores malaria, obesity, the body, living with medical science and the genome - including a wall-to-ceiling bookcase containing the 24 volumes of DNA data, one for each chromosome.

There is also a temporary exhibition at the moment which explores the relationship with war and medicine. The most moving aspect of that exhibition are the videos of people who have been through war, ranging from a soldier suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after the Falklands, civilian victims of the nuclear bomb in Hiroshima and Vietnam veterans testifying in the Winter Soldier investigations.

PS If you want to check out my face morphed against average facial features, click here. Ghastly!

HOT: The Revolution Continues: New Chinese Art, Saatchi Gallery, The Duke of York's HQ, Kings Road, Chelsea SW3 4SQ

The Saatchi Gallery has been rehoused in the brilliant exhibition space of the grand Duke of York's HQ, and its opening exhibition was a collection of modern Chinese art. A lot of the artwork was visually arresting - creepy old men wheeling around in automated wheelchairs, the realistic man lying prone and licking the ground, a messy oversized bed (a la Tracy Emin) and body casts hanging on the ceiling. However, I can't say I thought any of it was actually good art - and there were some shockingly bad, boring or ugly works, including a giant turd (which really said it all). Worth it for a free look, but the Tate Modern is much, much better.

NOT: Magnificence of the Tsars, Victoria and Albert Museum, Cromwell Road, South Kensington SW7 2RL

I was expecting a lot more from this exhibition but it was a pokey, crowded and flourescently white space stuck in the middle of the permanent Fashion exhibition. The sumptuously decorated jackets, coats and capes were displayed without any real historical context (except for the names of the particular Tsars for whom they had been made) and it was basically a collection of lots of mens military jackets. We whipped through in about 45 minutes with Huy making snide comments the whole time.

HOT: Victoria and Albert Museum Cafe, Victoria and Albert Museum, Cromwell Road, South Kensington SW7 2RL

The V&A Cafe is as far removed from the ladle-of-slop-from-bain-marie as you can get. The tempting food is displayed in bright white surroundings, but the most stunning aspect are the refreshment rooms decorated by the leading designers of the late 1800s - Morrs, Gamble and Poynter. These three tiled and ornately decorated rooms formed the first museum restaurant in the world and they are romantic and awe-inspiring. On a Sunday they even have a classical pianist on the grand piano, whose music sweeps above the chatter of raucous families and elevates you to appreciate the beauty above your head.

HOT: Geffrye Museum, Kingsland Road, Dalston E2 8EA

The Geffrye Museum is a well-planned museum featuring interiors of the English 'middling classes' from 1600 to present day. An Englishman's home is his castle, and displaying and discussing his choice of furnishings and designs uses an interesting perspective to teach about the social and cultural history of an era. There is currently a fascinating special exhibition called Choosing the Chintz, which explores the relationship between men and women when furnishing their home - I liked the video interviews of couples talking about their differences in tastes, their decision-making styles and learning to compromise.

HOT: V&A Museum of Childhood, Cambridge Heath Road, Hackney E2 9PA

The Museum of Childhood is housed in a Hansel and Gretel/Escher cubed pastel pink iron structure and it contains a large exhibition of toys, clothing and a fantastic Italian puppet theatre. As you'd expect from a childhood museum, it's a joyous and welcoming place, and the museum gift shop is adorable! Deb and I gushed over the novel toys, the picture books (Deb did a child literature course at uni) and Gentlemen pyjamas. I couldn't resist the Retro Robot Blackboard by Ivy Bespoke - a blackboard vinyl wall decal in the shape of a robot, which lets you chalk messages then wipe them off. More fun that post-its any day.

HOT: Guest Night, Gray's Inn, High Holborn

An ancient town like London contains many opportunities for a history buff to delve into historic buildings and arcane traditions - but not many people get to dine in one of the Inns of Court. Happily, my friend Duncan is a barrister at Gray's Inn, and throughout the year the Inn opens up their historic dining room so that mere plebians can eat as guests of the members. The night began with Duncan ("Brooks"), Suzanne ("Mrs Brooks") and myself ("Miss Kwok") trooping into the candlelit dark wood carved interior, under the shadow of a screen from the Spanish Armada, and dressed in a gown (barristers) and 'corresponding dark formality' (ladies). Once we'd seated ourselves on one of the long benches, we dived into the brow-furrowing 5 page dining rule book, extracted from the 53-page Gray's Inn Rule Book. Its contents, inter alia: confusing toasting rituals between members of the 'upper mess' and 'lower mess'; the serving of common dishes in order of seniority; and a bizarre standoff where you're not allowed to leave the Hall between grace and the final toast of 'domus', even if you're busting for the loo. The night was capped off by the now-outlawed 'challenges' between the Madame Senior to the Madame Junior and other dobbed-in members, involving debates conducted in dulcet plummy English and singing of 'Big Spender' to the whole Hall whilst standing on a chair. Good fun was had by all but we crept out before we could be accused of opening the port before the allotted time.

HOT: The Photographers' Gallery, Great Newport Street WC2H 7HY

One of the things I love about London is that there is always something unexpected around the corner. En route to kill some time in Covent Garden, like Alice in Wonderland I stumbled on a party in The Photographers' Gallery. To celebrate the end of thirty-seven years in Great Newport Street and a move to new premises, fashionable arty types and Joe Public (like me) mingled in the backroom cafe chomping on free sultana scones smothered in strawberry jam, under the shadow of black and white photographs of Soho strippers. At 5 o'clock it got even more bizarre, as a performance artist with pink hair, dressed in a kimono-style outfit with giant crinoline pockets, proceeded to recite blank verse about walls whilst hammering stilletos to a wall, spraypainting letters and stepping in and out of pink plastic shopping baskets.

HOT: Campaign For The Titians, National Gallery

Titian's Diana and Acteon and Diana and Callisto are considered the greatest paintings in the Bridgewater Collection, and now they're up for sale. The public campaign needs to raise £50 million to buy the first of these paintings (with an option to buy the second at the same price later) to preserve their public display. I wanted to have a greater understanding of the impact and significance of these paintings, so I joined a free talk with the Director-General of the National Galleries of Scotland, the Head of Education at the National Gallery and art historian/TV presenter Matthew Collings. The most interesting aspect of their discussion was the link made between the spontaneous work style of Titian and the 'painterly' approach of Abstract Expressionism as exemplified by Jackson Pollack, and when they explained to a crotchety member of the audience why it was worth spending £50 million on a bit of canvas and paint during a recession. The dynamic and brightly hued Diana and Acteon is on display with the National Gallery's Death of Acteon until 20 November - see it while you can and support the campaign.

HOT: The All-Seeing Eye (The Hardcore Techno Version), BFI Southbank Gallery, Southbank

The latest BFI Gallery commission comes from the team behind the quirky film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, the artist Pierre Bismuth and director Michel Gondry. You enter a large white room dropped with some white marshmallow cushions in the centre, then sit to watch a spinning camera project a circling image of the same furnished apartment over and over again. Nothing much seems to happen - until you notice that with each rotation the pot plant's missing, and then the chair, and then a window, and then the floor. All this is happening while Eternal Sunshine is being shown on a TV in the apartment. The gradual erasure of the room's features and furnishings looks like the work of CGI, but in fact it was done in real time off-screen, which meant little munchkin people must have been frantically running around removing stuff while the dialogue of the film kept time. Intriguing.

NOT: Cold War Modern, Victoria and Albert Museum, South Kensington

I was anticipating much more from the V&A's winter exhibition on the influence of the Cold War in design, film, art, architecture. For 2 hours I skimmed through the exhibition's piecemeal dip into various art forms, but I found that none of the exhibits explored any particular theme or idea sufficiently in depth to capture my attention. Some of the items were funky and unusual, but one single poster dealing with the Cultural Revolution? A couple of childish paintings? Some space suits? I don't think this is a must-see exhibition. The exhibition shop is cool though - you can buy a cardboard spaceship, an egg chair and my fun combo cutlery.

HOT: This is War! Robert Capa at Work, Barbican Art Gallery

This Barbican photography exhibition has Robert Capa in its title but actually encompasses many other artists/photographers' work framed around the subject of war. In fact, I found Capa's work the least inspiring - his pictures lacked heart and were very macho in their stylings - men with guns, men at camp, men marching and men in munitions factories. His most striking images were actually his accidentally blurred photographs of the D-Day landings which captured the chaotic invasion of Omaha beach. In contrast, I really enjoyed the retrospective on his lover, Gerda Taro. She used a square as opposed to rectangular format to great effect; sometimes to enhance the close-up, warmly personal framing of her war-torn and war-weary subjects, and other times referencing the stark sharp angles of Communist propanganda posters. Finally, I ran out of time to fully appreciate the modern works shown in accompanying exhibition 'On the Subject of War', but I was particularly struck by the intimate and confronting photographs of the Iraq war taken by Geert van Kesteren.

HOT: Dickens House, 28 Doughty Street, Bloomsbury WC1N 2LX

Part 2: This multi-story building was the house of Charles Dickens when he wrote Pickwick Papers, Oliver Twist and Nicholas Nickelby, and it is now home to the private Dickens Museum. You can poke around four floors of artifacts, manuscripts, paintings and furniture, including a very interesting exhibition about the social issues that Dickens was particularly interested in, such as the terrible working conditions of workhouses and child labour.

HOT: Delicate Mayhem, Portobello Road markets and Backyard Market, Brick Lane

Laura Jordan's finely-coloured ink drawings (under the label Delicate Mayhem) will reward you if you take the time to pick through the incredible detail of her imaginery, scrambled London cityscapes. It's like the city has gone down a 21st century rabbit hole and come out in a scatter of royal guards, tube signs, black cabs, Banksy and the Gherkin, all intertwined with industrial tubes, frayed electrical cables and dripping paint. I think the art captures the chaos, diversity and icons of London perfectly.

NOT: Mark Rothko, Tate Modern, Southbank

I know I'm setting myself up to receive some strongly opposing views here, but the Tate Modern's autumn blockbuster didn't change my opinion of Mark Rothko. I know I should like his work given his important reputation, the fact that I really like his contemporary, Barnett Newman and (as Huy said) I have a high tolerance of sh*t in art. However, I draw the line at gushing over repetitive canvasses of red, maroon, black, grey and brown (all named 'Brown and Gray' or 'Black on Gray' etc), especially while trying to have a profound moment as crowds of bored kids, posing art students and art-knowledge pretenders swirled around me. The last straw was the ridiculous exhibition catalogue which informed me that in Rothko's earlier works the paint had gone right to the edge, and then in an amazing creative development, he painted 'Black on Gray' so that the colours didn't go right to the edge, leaving a white border of canvas. Oh, and the canvasses in the series were different sized. This was all supposed to be 'pushing the boundaries of his practice'. I mean, come on.